March 14, 2009

This is Day 1 . I rummage through my phone looking for numbers to all . I feel like my life has been taken away. The want and need of my best friends are horrible . They are my ride or dies , they really are . Without them I am nothing . I love how they make me feel . The smiles they give me . The way I live is because they support me. I Have never felt so empty . I feel like I can't even write all the good memories I have had . For the death of my soul and mind are the blame of the ones that also have created me . It's just another human body walking on the face of the earth , taking up space. I will never say or do more . The more I think about living without them , the more the tears make my face glisten in the dim light of my room and night sky . I feel like . . . I can't even say , I barely am able to breathe . This is no exaggeration , not even . I really do feel this way , I am beyond amazed how I can write in this . I always wished for moral support from my mother and father . I craved the need and the care from them . In the summertime on the swim team , it was time to go to regionals , and I ended up going with a friend , no support . When I mentioned to my father that my swim meets will be where he was already going to be , all he could say was , So What ? The attention they give me was the wrong kind . When I needed them , they weren't there , that is why I always depended on my best friends , ALWAYS . I have never been depressed , until this day . This not only the time of an economic depression , but now the start of mine . All I ever asked for in life was people who loved me , the only ones that showed me love was the people that I shared no DNA with . Always criticism came to mind . Never a good job , I Am proud of you , but a , ONLY ? , you should of gotten first , or any thing to avoid what I had achieved , just a want or strive for more . The things I had done for them always never seemed pleasing . They think what I try , is not enough , I try and fail . But I have never given up . I NEVER will . I really don't , I Am not the perfect child they were hoping and asked for . I don't know how to achieve the goal and what they expect out of me . The beginning of life is taken with a breathe . Without air , there is life . Right now , I am in a room with NO AIR . The expectations if life . Chronic depression is what brings everybody down . Now , I ask for life . I Want something I Can't have . How that is the one thin I want the most in this life . The story of my life has now become a book . This is just a chapter . But who knows ,this chapter might end right here . I live my life to the fullest always , with this road block , I will still try and achieve my goal in life . There is not stop to me . With the ways I try to make the two that have shown me life and dropped me , this is no succession to them . I am proud to be the living proof of the failure . To they think I am the only one with this problem , they have never visualized the outside world . " I have been there " is what I hear constantly . They may HAVE been there , but that was then and this is now , NOW is different . I can only hope and wonder if they will ever understand the time and things that we have to go through . Maybe open a bottle of life , and take a nice gulp . The day that they realize what is really LIFE . That day will be the best day of my entire life . The day where I can actually be proud to be their daughter . Right now , I am just proud to be a BEST friend . I ask and beg for so much . The thing I would like most right now is the pass to get a away from madness and anger . My parents want me to follow and live my good life , with them , how they act , they are no role models them selfs . I strive to not be like the people who they are . I strive to be different , I am different . This is the close of this chapter .